


What It's Like To Be Me

by cantthinkofausername_B_Pike



Series: Carry On Countdown 2017 [12]
Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Agatha character study, Carry On Countdown, Drabble, Gen, aroace agatha, side characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 12:15:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12935070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantthinkofausername_B_Pike/pseuds/cantthinkofausername_B_Pike
Summary: Basically an in-depth look at Agatha's character, how she feels about magic, and how she feels about Simon. Set post-Carry On. For Day 12 of the Countdown: Side Characters.





	What It's Like To Be Me

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of feelings about Agatha okay? (I apologize in advance if I dealt with anything in a negative way)  
> Title from The End. by MCR because I'm bad at titles.

Agatha had always known she didn’t need magic. While everyone around her marveled in the things they could do, in the ways magic made them special, she longed to be rid of it. What was the use of magic, anyway? Anything magic could do, Normals could do a little bit slower. It was even engraved on the gate at Watford: _Magic separates us from the world_. And why would people want to be separated from the world?

All her life, Agatha had felt out of place. Magic was a trap, sucking her friends in. It tried to entice her, too, but it never stood a chance. Agatha spent her nights at Watford texting and Skyping her Normal friends, wishing desperately that she was one of them. Magic was a hindrance, not a gift. None of her friends at school understood how she felt.

Maybe that’s why things would never have worked out with her and Simon. The girl who ran from magic and the Greatest Mage. Simon’s magic was intricately intertwined into every part of him, it rolled off of him in waves. That sort of power is enticing, at first, but the allure quickly fades. That’s what had happened to them – things faded until they playacted a relationship.

But that’s not the only reason things wouldn’t have worked out. The second reason runs deeper, if that were possible, and separated her further from the ones she calls friends. Simon was, is, beautiful, a textbook sort of handsome. He would be the lead in a teen movie that all the girls would swoon over. So when he asked her out, she said yes. He was good-looking and powerful, and that was exciting. Until it wasn’t. 

Things progressed along a similar path with Baz. He was handsome in an interesting way. If Simon is the lead in the movie, Baz is the antagonist that the audience roots for in spite of themselves. Agatha was bored with Simon, and Baz was right there, beautiful and sharp and intelligent. But when he brushed her off, Agatha was surprised to find that she wasn’t hurt. There was the shallow concern that she wasn’t beautiful enough for him, but she knew she was. And when she wasn’t bothered by his rejection, she started to wonder if she’d even liked him in the first place.  
She had wanted to be with Simon when they started, and she had wanted to be with Baz. But did that have anything to do with _them_ , or was she merely doing what was expected of her? When Agatha ended things with Simon, she was doing herself a favor. She had been trapped in a relationship for such a long time that she wanted to be free, but wasn’t sure if she knew how. She had wanted what Simon had, power and goodness, but had she wanted him? The more she thought about it, the less sure she became.

Agatha loved ruling at Simon’s side, but she didn’t love Simon. Not the way she was supposed to. She didn’t want Simon, she never had. For a long time, this had felt like a secret. She was defective because she couldn’t love them. She didn’t know if she could love anyone. And that was wrong, because everybody had someone. That’s the way all the stories end, with the heroes and damsels riding into the sunset. What place was there for a girl who couldn’t do that?

After everything, after the Mage’s betrayal, Agatha ran. She ran and she ran and she didn’t stop running until she landed in California. California was sunny where England had been gray, it was hot and dry instead of cold and rainy, it was a place where hope was by your side and a miracle never felt far off. In California, Agatha could just be. She learned to understand herself under the hot desert sun in a way she never had before. She learned that here, she could be Normal. She learned that she didn’t have to love someone to have a happily ever after. That her future was out there, just waiting for her to reach out, and that it could be anything she wanted it to be.


End file.
